This! Changes! EVERYTHING!
by breizhbit
Summary: Crackified one-shot: Ino and Sakura throw down after eight years of peace. Who's the loser? I think it's Kakashi-sensei. KakaSaku.


Naruto: so very not mine!

Please Review! Pretty, pretty please!

This! Changes! EVERYTHING!

Uchiha Ino relinquished her hold on her two-month-old daughter, passing the baby off to her gorgeous if annoyingly stoic husband for him to put down for a nap. She refastened one side of her nursing bra and watched with no small amount of satisfaction as her oldest child, just turned six, bragged to his Auntie Sakura about being ranked first in his year at the academy, and about the time his playmate pushed him off the seesaw and he discovered the sharingen. Ino took great pleasure in the fact that Sakura was so devoted to the little Uchiha children, even though every time she saw them it must bring a painful reminder that they were not her own. Ino remembered well the day that Sakura and Sasuke had broken up when they were sixteen--over something silly that she couldn't recall exactly. Oh yes, Sakura had finally realized that he would never love her the way she loved him. No big surprise there! Ino surreptitiously scanned her best friend's face looking for any vestiges of that despair. None were evident.

Ah, well. The fact that Sakura was herself eight months pregnant must provide some consolation for the time being. Ino promised herself that she would be there for her dear childhood friend to help her through the disappointment when her baby came and she realized that it would never be as cute as an Uchiha baby--never have the expectation of growing up as beautiful or as talented as an Uchiha child would naturally grow up to be. Especially considering who the father was. Kami, if that man had to wear a mask all day every day since childhood there must be something seriously wrong under there. Ino couldn't wait to find out what, even if it meant scrutinizing the next generation as it exited the womb.

A small smile played on her lips as she watched her second child, her four-year-old daughter Mikoto, pull on Sakura's sleeve, trying to pry Sakura's attention from her brother Itachi. Ino briefly spared another thought to wonder, as she did from time to time, why in the world Sasuke had flat-out insisted on naming his first-born after the brother who had slaughtered his clan and who he had relentlessly pursued until finally finishing him off in an epic and bloody battle that Ino had only heard about once from Naruto before he was battered into silence by Sasuke's fist. Oh well, you marry a gorgeous, talented, and fabulously wealthy (ex-?) psychopath, you had to deal with a few minor details like that. All in all, Ino had never felt so good in her life. She had it all. Money, prestige, exceptionally attractive children, a husband who was good in bed, the joy of knowing she had won him from her bitter arch-rival Sakura of the monstrous forehead...Oops! How did that thought slip in there! Teehee. Now they were, and had been since the birth of Itachi, bff, xoxo, and all that.

Seeing as three out of her four beautiful and precocious children were accounted for, Ino got up to round up the last one, noting as she passed a mirror in the hallway that her silhouette was almost back to normal from her recent pregnancy. Her self-satisfied smile widened.

The excited shrieks of a two-year-old little girl could be heard echoing down the wide hallway from the drawing room where they had all been sitting before Ino got up to nurse newborn Yuuko. Ino traipsed down the hall and turned left, little knowing that she would step into a scene that would change her perception of her life as she knew it.

"Kyaaa! Gurgle!" said Yukino, who with a mighty lunge (for a toddler) lurched forward, grabbing the top of the mask of one Hatake Kakashi, who was already showing signs of extreme discomfort and stress after being left alone with the small Uchiha, and dropped into his lap, pulling the dark fabric with her as she went.

Ino, now standing in the doorway, saw it happen, prepared herself for the fruition of years of effort--she would now be able to describe in detail, and to everyone, just what was so horrible about his face that Konoha's famous Copy Nin never let down his mask. She readied herself for all manner of dermatological horror.

What she saw was far worse.

Ino stared, Kakashi stared back. Yukino gurgled happily, chewing on the mask clasped firmly between her fists. Kakashi offered a sheepish smile.

"FOREHEAD!" shrieked Ino in serious anger and consternation, "GET YOUR ASS IN HERE RIGHTTHISMINUTE!"

Sakura came bolting in the room followed at a slightly less rushed pace by the elder two Uchiha children who she had been trying to entertain, and who were more used to such explosive language from their mother. It had been a while since Ino had directed this tone of voice at Sakura. In fact she hadn't heard it at all since that day, eight years ago, when Ino and Sasuke announced their engagement.

Sakura stopped short next to Ino and looked first at Kakashi, who was looking rather put upon, then at Yukino, who was looking very pleased with herself, and then at Ino, who looked like someone had stolen her favorite My Little Pony and used it for target practice with a kunai. Or maybe the chidori. Itachi and Mikoto took one look at the situation and promptly ran upstairs, probably to cower under their beds. Or light stuff on fire.

Ino could not tear her eyes away from the long-hidden face, but from her icy tone it was clear that she was not addressing him, but the bitter rival standing next to her.

"Forehead," she started quietly, but with the slightly exaggerated enunciation of one in the throes of cold fury, "Care to explain that!?"

Ino thrust her finger forward to point directly at the visage of Sakura's recently-acquired husband.

"Ano...I think he was just playing with her, Ino...I mean, you said I should invite him over here to get him a bit more used to little kids, so..." Sakura remained wary and kept her voice low, trying not to further enrage the clearly unstable blonde woman next to her.

"Don't play games with me Forehead! You know that's not what I'm talking about!" She pulled her gaze from Kakashi for an instant to fix Sakura with a withering glare, but then, as if drawn by a magnet, her eyes snapped back to the Copy Nin's exposed features.

"I suppose you thought this was funny, Forehead. Laughing at me behind my back! Letting me think I had won when you up and MARRIED THE MOST ATTRACTIVE SHINOBI IN THIS VILLAGE!"

Ino waved her outstretched finger to punctuate her words: "This! Changes! EVERYTHING!"

Kakashi wanted to laugh, he really did, but the words spoken by the new Uchiha matriarch were put forth with such venom that she looked like she was ready to throw down right here, right now, never mind the fact that she still hadn't pulled up her nursing top, leaving one mesh-covered breast exposed, or that her opponent was eight months pregnant.

His pink-haired wife closed her eyes and breathed in, breathed out, and tried to channel all the inner peace she had ever experienced in her eight years of anger management meditation instruction. She opened her eyes, and tried to imbue her tone of voice with as much calmness and as many good wishes as she could muster.

"Ino, what are you saying? You have four smart, loving children who look up to you, you have a beautiful home that you keep very well," Sakura knew she needed to lay it on a little thicker if she really expected to bring Ino-pig down from this without resorting to blows, but it was becoming more and more difficult to force the words out. There was just something about her best friend/worst enemy that made it really hard to retain the poise and command of self that gained her the reputation of the most respected medic in Konoha and that had finally convinced her ex-sensei that she was ready for the relationship he'd secretly hoped to have with her since watching her pass her jounin exam at sixteen.

"You look amazing, even though you've gone through childbirth four times, and you know your husband's head never turns for any other woman."

"Hmph. True," said Ino, sounding slightly mollified, although they both knew that Sasuke's head didn't really turn for anyone, male or female, totally hot or hideously disfigured. He'd just needed to get on with the business of bringing more sharingens into the world, and Ino had been more than happy to help him with that.

"And, and," continued Sakura, sensing that she was nearing a breakthrough with regards to Ino's anger, "You are rebuilding the honorable Uchiha clan, one of the most powerful and one of the very few with a bloodline limit."

At this point Sasuke drifted into the room from the entrance facing the front hall. He appeared to have heard most of what transpired, but had deemed it unwise to intervene until the mother of his children had reduced the volume of her voice-not to mention toned down her vocabulary-to a more dignified level. However, the temptation to see his old teacher unmasked was too much, even for the arrogant and disinterested former Last Uchiha.

"Ino," he said, "of course you realize that the revival of the Uchiha clan is of the utmost importance, not just to us, but to all of Konoha."

Both Sakura and Kakashi struggled to keep in their snorts at the sheer pompousness of Sasuke's tone and declaration. As if the world would stop turning on its axis if an Uchiha was not there to hypnotize it into motion. As if the sun would not rise without an Uchiha to expel a _Katon: Goukakyu no Jutsu_ into the sky every morning. It was getting on Sakura's nerves. Kakashi worked harder to pry his mask away from the surprisingly strong yet doubtless very breakable fingers of the two-year-old in his lap.

Ino sniffed a little bit, and said rather petulantly, "_He_ has a bloodline limit."

She gestured toward Kakashi, though did finally lower her finger which had been hovering in the air directing blame toward the owner of the regular, even features, the existence of which so threatened her perfect life.

Kakashi laughed nervously.

"Well, now, you know. Not everyone is bent on reviving ancient clans, Ino-chan. I never planned to do so, and I'm certainly not going to start now. It's just a few boring old lightning jutsus anyway..." Kakashi smiled disarmingly, lighting up his already blatantly attractive face, and any ground that was gained with Ino's temper was immediately lost when she cast a comparative glance at her expressionless spouse.

"Of course you are," she said, her voice gaining volume. The finger once again snapped back to attention, this time aimed at Sakura's expansive belly. "Are you trying to tell me that when your child fills out the paperwork at the Academy they aren't going to write in 'Hatake' next to 'Clan Affiliation'? Any child with a bloodline limit is required to do so. _You know the rules, Sensei._"

This was suddenly too much for Sakura. Ino taking out her irrational anger on Sakura was par for the course, and dragging Kakashi into it was to be expected. Seeing her taking it out on Sasuke did indeed fill Sakura with a deeply rooted feeling of nasty enjoyment, but her unborn baby was off-limits. Sakura would never blame one of the Uchiha children for any of their parents' transgressions, and had in fact invested a decent amount of time over the years in trying to assure that they grew up without the psychological problems that plagued one (maybe both) of their parents.

"Just what are you trying to say, Pig?" said Sakura, with low voice and narrowed eyes.

"I'm saying, Forehead, that if you were planning to reinstate a clan maybe you should have gotten a little bit more of a jump on things. Slouching off all this time while I've been giving my all for the cause," Ino paused before throwing down the gauntlet, "You'll never catch up."

"Is that a challenge, Pig?"

Kakashi paled.

"Maybe it would be if there was any earthly way you could turn this situation around. But seeing as the score is already four to ZERO eight years in, I don't think you have a chance in HELL," said Ino, her self-satisfaction returning full-force, causing Sakura to see red.

"Oh yes there is! And it's practically four to one, Pig. I've got twenty years of childbearing capacity left _at least_ considering the secrets my shishou has imparted to me. And, and, you haven't even considered the possibility of multiple births!" Sakura knew she was scraping for any excuse.

Ino scoffed. "That could go both ways, Forehead," she said scornfully, but then scowled, remembering something she didn't want to.

Sakura found that the past eight years of relative peace hadn't dulled her acute awareness of when she was getting under the skin of her mortal enemy, and what to say to exacerbate that discomfort.

"That's right, Pig. You remember. My father was a twin! And everyone knows that twins skip a generation," Sakura crowed triumphantly.

Kakashi gave up on extricating the mask for the time being--it was covered in baby slobber anyway--and firmly pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes to stave off the massive headache that was developing.

"That's just hearsay," Ino protested, somewhat uncertainly. Sakura, was, after all, still in the medical profession whereas Ino had dropped out of her medic training immediately after becoming pregnant with Itachi. If there was something to that old wives tale, Sakura would be the one to know. Ino chose to ignore what she couldn't positively contest and plow ahead.

"Anyway, I already have four, and you are just getting ready for your first. I know you Forehead, it will take you at least a year to get used to having just one, and since it's your first maybe even longer. Then another nine months before you could possibly manage a second. By then I'm sure I'll have another. Even if you manage to squeeze out two, I'll still have a commanding lead, and be working on further increasing it. Face it, there's just no way you can win."

Ino's haughty tone and pseudo-logical explanations of supposed future fact had never failed to rile Sakura.

"D-Don't go counting your chicken's before they've hatched, Pig. Look what happened last time!" yelled Sakura, pointing her own finger at Kakashi's uncovered face.

"Just because you've won this round Forehead, don't think you've won the war!"

"And-and-and," Sakura was too enraged to notice that she had slipped back into the stuttering she thought she'd left behind when Sasuke left to kill his brother and Sakura and Ino had declared a truce.

"You seem to be forgetting something important in this Pig! Unlike you, I don't have to trust to chance about the number of children I come up with every time!"

Ino spared a moment to meet her bitter rival's intense glare, her face hardening as she grasped her meaning.

"You wouldn't!" she gasped.

"Try me," Sakura's voice was low and deadly.

Sasuke, standing blandly by, couldn't deny he'd been following this conversation with what passed for interest with him. Just the other day, he had overheard Ino telling her mother that she was "ready to slow down" when it came to producing new members of the Uchiha clan, and that she wanted to wait at least Yukino was in the academy before having more. If this ridiculous contest with Sakura could get Ino back on course, Sasuke wouldn't say a word against it. As to the Hatake children produced, Sasuke was indifferent. His children would probably kill them all off before they made chunnin anyway.

"What do you mean?" asked Sasuke, fanning the flames with his unexpected interjection.

Sakura did not address him, but kept her eyes squarely on her opponent. "I mean, Pig, that I just need fifteen minutes in the lab after conception to encourage a few cells to divide and then I can WIPE OUT YOUR COMMANDING LEAD IN ONE NINE-MONTH GESTATIONAL PERIOD!"

"No!" gasped Ino.

"That's right Pig! Up to five viable fetuses in one pop! No one else has that kind of chakra control on a cellular level! No one!"

Kakashi reeled in his seat. Looking down at the slobbery baby in front of him who had thoroughly moistened his mask and was starting in on his shirt, his open eye saw double, triple, quadruple, quintuple. He let out something akin to a whimper of hopelessness.

"That can't be true," choked Ino. "I'll get Tsunade..."

"Even if she could, she wouldn't," said Sakura with triumphant finality. "It's forbidden to do something like that to a patient. However, nothing states you can't do it to yourself."

Ino was reduced to spluttering for a moment, as Sakura walked across the well-appointed drawing room and plucked Yukino off Kakashi, who was actually trembling a little in trepidation. Ino observed this, and from it drew the plan for her next assault. It was time to hit Sakura where it hurt. Ino was going to nail one right in the career-family split that had driven generations of kunoichi before them to make devastating life choices. You can't have it all, after all.

"You've got me, Forehead. There's no way I could stop you IF you actually followed through with that empty threat. Could you really do that to your family, Sakura? Who would take care of those five babies plus a toddler while you were head of staff at the Konoha Hospital? Do you really think the Hokage would let you take enough time off a job like that to get them into the academy?"

Sakura paled a little at being forced to recall the uncomfortable conversations with Tsunade-shishou about the duration of her maternity leave.

Ino saw her cave and hardened her heart to give what was likely the finishing blow to her opponent.

"And even if you did give it up, how are you going to support your family when he," she nodded at the Copy Nin, still looking infuriatingly handsome while wide-eyed in horror at the turn this visit to the Uchiha compound had taken, "doesn't come home. Let's face it Sakura, we're ninja, and he's living on borrowed time. How many more S-class missions do you think it's going to take before the inevitable happens?"

Oh, but that was a low blow. They all felt it. Even Sasuke blinked a few times at the lengths to which his wife was willing to go to win, and had to cast a glance at her in admiration for her ruthlessness. He had indeed chosen well.

"Sakura, dear," Kakashi said in a cautious tone he hoped was least likely to cause her to burst into tears or to pop a blood vessel. "She does have a point. But we should talk about this later. Maybe we should get ready to go."

The air was still. Even Yukino was quiet as Sakura walked over to her playpen and set her down.

She looked at Kakashi. "THE HELL SHE HAS A POINT!" she roared. "If you think for one second that you are going on another S-class, no, even an A-class mission before all our children AND I MEAN ALL OF THEM are genin then you have another thing coming buster!"

Kakashi looked stricken, Ino looked pissed, and Sasuke smirked a little to see the teacher who had once tormented him getting it back ten-fold from innocent little Sakura.

She continued, "I will keep working and you will TRAIN THESE LITTLE BRATS SO HARD THEY WILL BE COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF DYING YOUNG EITHER. It won't be like some clans, where the survival rate is really nothing to brag about."

Sasuke was mildly stunned. Maybe he had underestimated Sakura after all. But no, she had been his first choice. Oh well, too late now.

Sakura swept up her purse, grabbed Kakashi by the hand and barreled out of there before Ino's shocked silence could be broken.

Once they'd passed the gate of the Uchiha compound Sakura released her death grip on Kakashi's hand, allowing him to pluck disgustedly at the spit-soaked mask he had reluctantly pulled back into place.

"I'm sorry," she puffed, trying to remember her breathing exercises. "That pig just never fails to piss me off when every little thing isn't going her way."

Sakura sighed. "I try so hard never to get like that any more." She smiled a sheepish smile at her overwrought husband.

He calmed a little. He smiled down at his heavily pregnant wife and tried to remember the mantra that had gotten him through so far: It's just the hormones talking. Hormone levels recalibrate after delivery. This is not permanent.

"It's ok, Sakura, I've been around you long enough to know you can get angry and say some things you don't mean."

She looked up at him quickly, with a steely glint in her eye that reminded him unpleasantly of the current Hokage.

"The HELL I didn't mean it! Let's go. I need to talk to Tsunade-shishou."

Kakashi groaned, and thought back to a simpler, better time, when his students had actually respected him, and all he'd aspired to in life was to be the number one _Icha Icha_ fan and to thoroughly trounce Guy at every contest they entered into. However, those days were gone. This baby was going to change everything, and as scary as this whole thing was, when he looked at his adorable pink-haired wife huffing in irritation, Kakashi figured it was probably worth it.

+AN - This is just a scenario that wouldn't leave me alone! I hope it came out alright. Please let me know what you think--I take constructive criticism very seriously! Thanks so much!+


End file.
